Almost at the one month milestone, and the need for a "beer festival bypass" ...

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What a month this has been! From declaring I'm going to go teetotal, through to being utterly left out to dry, to finding out I'm going to be a dad again in September, to trying to work out what would be best to do next in my life, it's been something of a roller-coaster so far.

And yet through it all, whereas before I'd have reached straight for the beer and drunk away some of the horrors that have been visited upon so far in 2011 - not to mention to toast the joyful news of a child on the way - I've managed to stay stone cold sober. Not a sniff. Nothing. Nada. Rien. Niets. Nichts.

I'm really quite proud of myself, as I didn't think I'd get this far. The further I go, the more confident I feel in opposing the need for a beer. It's great.

But yesterday (when all my troubles seemed so far away) I espied on the railings outside the National Brewery Centre, a poster advertising their International Beer Festival 11th-13th February, with over 300 beers expected to be there. OH F**K!! How do I keep myself from visiting that? It's less than a mile from chez moi. I need to concentrate on other things, and FAST ... why can't they postpone until next year, when I'll be back off the wagon? I can do it, I can do it, I can do it ... I have to keep repeating it to myself to believe it.

Watch this space - this will be my toughest challenge yet.

Interesting point made ...

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A colleague of mine said today: "If you can't have any alcohol, that means you can't use mouthwash, doesn't it?" I pondered a moment, before espousing the obvious virtues of using a quality mouthwash, and suggesting that it be spat out post-swill, and not consumed. Argument over :-))

I watched a documentary on BBC iPlayer this evening about 21-year-old Laura Hall from Bromsgrove, the UK's "poster girl" for binge drinking. Well, the little madam! Drunk all the time, aggressive, in and out of court, fines, sentencing, more drinking, and possibly the most annoying, whining West Midlands accent you've ever heard. The conclusion of the documentary was Laura turning her life around, going to the Nova Vida clinic in Portugal to get clean, and then start to take her life into her own hands and continue her new-found teetotalism to get her back on track. A very positive, fitting end to the programme was crapped on however by the revelation that she's been drinking again, and has gone back to Portugal. I'm all for helping these people, but if they won't help themselves, then I'm all for them knocking their livers out - let's see how they enjoy a bout of hepatic encephalopathy when their liver stops filtering dangerous toxins (which go straight to the brain, do not pass go, do not collect £200) ...

On a slightly different (you might say random) note, isn't this just the WEIRDEST album cover you ever saw?

Rant over. As you were.

Happy News!!!

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I'm going to be a dad again in September!

Woohoo!!!!!!

Hang on, how do I wet the baby's head?!?!

I want to find out about teetotallers ...

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Now that I've decided to "go teetotal", I thought I must learn more about teetotalism:

• what makes teetotallers choose their lifestyle?,
• what makes teetotallers able to abstain?, and
• what makes teetotallers tick?

Well I think to answer any of those, I need to ask the question "What makes drinkers tick?"

For me as a drinker (i.e. pre-2011) I would use alcohol as a social lubricant, a way to enjoy myself and be on a level with everyone around me who is also drinking. Jokes / moments of hilarity to the tipsy amongst us at parties or in the pub are more often than not 'shared moments' with our sober / teetotal brethren. Sure, the odd party / pub visit I've been to, I've remained sober so that I can drive home. But what am I going to do when this situation arises periodically and I have no choice? Okay, the choice is self-inflicted, but I really want to do this.

Also, the reaction of drinkers to non-drinkers is quite stark. A drinker will often eye a teetotaller at a party suspiciously, and regularly choose to not talk to them stood there with their lemonade, ice and a slice. Do drinkers feel threatened? I always did - sort of - and I think moreover a little bit jealous of a teetotaller's ability to both possess the willpower to abstain from the demon drink and - most importantly - to avoid looking like a complete dick throwing some highly irregular shapes on the dance-floor, tanked up on lager. A late-2010 drinking event in Chester had me throwing HIGHLY irregular shapes on a dance-floor, much to the hilarity of everyone else. Let's see 'em laugh this year :-))

So for me, I think teetotallers like to be in control of themselves, to indulge in 'drunkenfreude', and to be guaranteed a lift home (their own) at night. I think they like to avoid the 'gueule de bois' (wooden mouth), as the French put it, in the mornings, and they like to be reassured that there's less of a chance that their liver will resemble a crumbly yellow mass as cirrhosis sets in and gives them bouts of hepatic encephalopathy.

My other argument is that let's face it, until we were the age of 15 (or between the ages of 10 and 13 on the rough council estate near us) most of us had been teetotal, so why should it be difficult to spend another year bereft of beer?

Rather proud of myself ...

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Last night I visited my local Tesco Express and bought amongst other things a pack of Becks Blue alcohol-free beer. The lad serving, replete with body art and piercings, checked that I knew I had picked up alcohol-free beer, and I very loudly announced - in the hope that other shoppers could hear me - that "Yes, and I did so because I'm teetotal!"; daftly believing I had gained some moral high-ground over the uber-tattooed, uber-pierced youngster, he responded with "Oh well done, I've been teetotal for about 18 months now - I just don't like the taste of alcohol."

A little deflated that my fortnight vs his 18 months was never going to stand up in a straight fight, I did however feel quite proud that I could label myself a teetotaller without experiencing any kind of embarrassment. Come on, it's for charity ...

The Becks Blue is still sh*t, though, but hey it tastes of what I'm sorely missing ... sort of.

"La première quinzaine" ... or should that strictly be "quatorzaine"?

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I'm at the end of two weeks teetotalism at midnight tonight ... this is the longest in a LONG time that I've gone without any alcohol of some sort.

I've always liked to think of myself as a "low input" social drinker, and have even thought of myself as being teetotal in the past, but I've always kidded myself into believing myself.

But now the reality of actually making it to the end of the year is beginning to make its presence felt, and talking to colleagues today I actually said - with a modicum of truth as it happens - that I feel like I've "woken up", that the general "fug" that has been my head - particularly in the mornings - is beginning to lift. Maybe it's all in my head, if you'll excuse the pun, but I really feel like Father Jack in the Father Ted Episode 'Alcohol, Cigarettes & Rollerblading', all the alcohol finally having left my system.

Luckily I've not had to shout "Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!"

Change in taste buds?

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I've had the unusual experience today of thinking about beer and feeling nothing - no pangs, no "Ooh I could with a pint", nothing. It's like my taste buds are changing, so I'm sipping a ginger and lemon infusion ... and that IS unusual because I'm working away, and I like to go to the bar for a pint in the evening.

Good grief, what's happening to me? Ginger and lemon infusion as opposed to a cool pint of San Miguel?!

Oh hell, I'll be subscribing to The Daily Mail next and tutting concernedly - furrowed brow - at every angst-ridden article ...

Today has been a really bad day ...

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It's days like these where I could really do with a beer. Today not only have I been robbed of a lot of my confidence, but I've also been treated very unfairly ...

This evening I really feel like downing a dozen beers, but luckily I haven't done it.

This is a big test / victory for me.

The first turning point, or just kidding myself?

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For the first time in what must be years, I have thought "I could just do with a cup of tea" as opposed to "I could just do with a beer"; you see, I've been sat here all day, working away, and usually around 17h00 to 18h00 I'll think "I could do with a quick snifter right now" (love that word 'snifter' - thanks C; one of my new favourites along with the intransitive verbs 'miscegenate' and 'coruscate').

But today it's been the agony of tea choice as the 'pick-me-up' - Green? Peppermint & Eucalyptus? Nettle & Sweet Fennel? Spearmint & Camomile?

I do realise I'm obsessing over tea. It'll pass. Thing is, then what do I replace it with? And what happens when beers are on offer outside of the home, and the pressure mounts? I've still got that big sod of a bridge to cross ...

So near and yet so far ...

The first week ...

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That's one week now that I've gone without any alcohol, and to be honest it hasn't been as bad as I first thought it would. Okay, I've had the odd pang of "I could just do with a beer right now!" but I have managed to overcome ...

So again last night I tried some Cobra 0.0% "lager" and ended up having a throbbing headache this morning. So I've reverted back to the peppermint and green teas.

I have followed another teetotaller-for-a-year's excellent blog, where she has talked about "mocktails", which I gather are alcohol-free cocktails. Now, I'm not one for cocktails, never have been, but I'm willing to give them a try as a replacement for my beloved beer!

Let's see what week 2 brings!

The chosen charities ...

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In searching for reasons to do this year-long teetotal stint, I've decided upon giving to charity as one of the most important reasons, if not the most important reason.

As I am indecisive, and giving to a number of charities would dilute the benefit by dividing up however much I eventually collect, I am going to set up a SurveyMonkey survey beginning Friday, April 1st, and closing Friday, September 30th. The survey will give those who wish to sponsor my self-inflicted madness six months to help me decide who I should give to by selecting their own favoured charity from the following list:

• Age UK - http://www.ageuk.org.uk/
• Barnardo's - http://www.barnardos.org.uk/
• British Heart Foundation - http://www.bhf.org.uk/
• British Liver Trust - http://www.britishlivertrust.org.uk/
• CLIC Sargent - http://www.clicsargent.org.uk/
• Help For Heroes - http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/
• NSPCC - http://www.nspcc.org.uk/
• Rainbow Trust - http://www.rainbowtrust.org.uk/
• RSPCA - http://www.rspca.org.uk/
• Starlight - http://www.starlight.org.uk/

If there is any charity in the list that you don't recognise, click on the link provided. It could just change your mind.

The shakes ...

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I've had the first major pangs of withdrawal today. Colleagues asking how I'll survive those long, warm summer evenings that are simply made for supping beer outside a country pub, watching the world gently drift by, savouring the bitter hoppy flavour, the maltiness and the gentle lubrication of a classic IPA ...

... and then one of them called me "an absolute tw*t" for even attempting it, so my staunch resolution returned with a huge bang ....................... for a bit, around lunchtime.

All the tea in China ...

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Good GOD ... what have I been missing? Isn't tea amazing? I've had blackcurrant tea, 'cleansing' nettle and sweet fennel tea (no joke, I really did), nettle and peppermint, loose leaf green tea (hmm, not so sure on that one), and good old builder's tea ...

I've also got my eye on some Twinings ginger infusion ("Maaaatron!" to coin some Carry On vernacular).

Am I clutching for alternatives as I go into what is clearly - and please excuse the deliberate, post-festive pun - cold turkey for my beloved beer?

I can get through this, I know I can. It'll get easier.

Alocohol-free beer?

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Don't do it, it's rank.

It's given me a worse headache than real beer would have ...

Lesson # 1: No alcohol-free beer.

No going back now!

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Well this is it, the alcohol has stopped. I had a final beer at 5 to midnight and downed it before the Big Ben countdown. There's now no going back ... the tragedy is I have a crate of beers in my back garden since before Christmas, and I'll now have to give them away.

Well I'll raise a toast to this first morning of 2011 with a peppermint and nettle tea that I'm downing (supposed to 'cleanse', apparently); I'd better get used to drinks like this in 2011.